SailorGirlfriend.com Blog

I am so bored at the moment. I think ever since I became a housewife 8 months ago, I've only been bored for a handful of times. Today is one of those days. 

The dishes are cleaned, my trip for this weekend has been planned and all I need to do is pack but I have three days to do that. 

I remember when I used to work for an office job, I would get really bored sometimes and actually google for ideas on what to do when I'm bored at the office. I would clean my desk, clean out my computer files and then if all of that is done, I would go bug some of my coworkers for a chat. 

I think I rather be bored at home than bored and stuck at an office. At least I can lie down on a sofa chair and blog away. It would be hard to blog this in an office where people pass by behind you all the time. I had some nosy coworkers. 

I've been reflecting a lot and realized my old work life is now a big part of my past that I will need to leave in the past. I would go on facebook and see my coworkers getting engaged and having a baby and feel like I missed out. I spent 6 years with those folks and the reality is, they don't really care what's going on with me. But somehow, I still care about them. An old boss posted something about his dad passing away so I decided to send him a gift basket to tell him I'm sorry for his loss. I know I shouldn't expect a thank you note or anything but I am hoping I would get one some time in this lifetime. It's been a week and a half since that basket was delivered. 

Maybe I just care too much for people. But somehow I maybe care for the wrong people? I really don't care about my mom. I know that sounds mean but she is really annoying to me. Sometimes I wonder if I dislike her and maybe that is why she is annoying to me. We didn't have the best relationship ever since I can remember. Somehow, she is attached to me. All I can remember when I think about her is how much she would yell at me and embarrass me in front of other people without ever considering my feelings. She's chased after me with a cleaver before and she's hit me so hard in the face, my nose bled. She doesn't remember any of that and trust me, I would never be making this up. She has never apologized for any pain she's caused me and always thinks it's a right she has because she is my mother. She's vain, egotistical and selfish and thinks she deserves the best in this world but does nothing good to prove that. Look at how she treated me when I was kid. I was 7 when she smacked me in the face. Now that I am married and moved to another state, she wants me to call her every day? That is the most illogical thing I've ever heard. I didn't talk to her every day when I lived close, why start a new relationship now? I'm sorry I can't pretend we didn't have a bad history. I don't hold a lot of grudges but I hold grudges against her because she is the one person who caused me a whole lot of pain. She's never supported my studies, whether when I was in elementary school or in college. She preferred that I focus on her needs and dropped everything just so her life is a little easier. She would tell me to ditch college classes so I could help her at her salon. Of course I said "no". I am looking out for myself because if I don't, no one will. It is amazing how I was able to earn my Bachelor's degree at 22. I was constantly battling my mom in order to have a brighter future. She tells me to forget but I really can't. Even if I try, whenever I talk to her, she is always complaining about something. She's so negative and I really don't need negative people to try to run my life. She also gives the worst advice. She tells me to keep secrets about our family from my husband. Why is she so scared about me telling my dear husband anything about my family? He is my husband. I should not be keeping any secrets away from him. Sometimes I think she is the devil and to think I would follow her bad advice? I'm glad I'm not as stupid and egotistical as she is. 

When I have my own kids, I will always try to support their goals and consider their thoughts and feelings. I want them to have a positive outlook in life. I will never manipulate their feelings to get them to do things that I need. 

Anyway, I'm done with my rant and randomness.